Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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