did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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