this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
