there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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