she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
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