Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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