How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
