i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
