Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
