Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
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