We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
