Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
