I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
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