You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
