The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize