I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
