By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
