I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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