Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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