1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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