Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I wish I only lived at night.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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