Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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