Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
