Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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