Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
