I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Randomize
