I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Two words: blizzard sex
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Randomize
