my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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