thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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