everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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