You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
