so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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