I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
