Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
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