i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
is this the sara with the beer cane?
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
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