Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
