I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
