I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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