6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Randomize
