I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
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