I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
