Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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