my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
