phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
