I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
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