Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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