no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
