Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
