You work out of a Hotel?
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
