found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
