last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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