i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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