After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Randomize
