My liver just broke up with me...
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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