her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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