So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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