i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
