A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
