u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
